Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan to join together and create one country - Kyrzakhstan

Ben Crowley

April 1, 2022

It was announced today in a historical joint press conference in the capital of Kazakhstan - Nur-Sultan (formerly Astana) that the Republic of Kazakhstan and the Kyrgyz Republic are to unite into a single country which is to be called Kyrzakhstan.

The President of Kazakhstan Kassym-Jomart Tokayev and the President of Kyrgyzstan Sadyr Japarov announced that since the two countries are largely indistinguishable, and the languages are essentially the same, that there was no longer any point in being two separate countries.

President Tokayev, who recently dealt with unrest earlier this year stated, “In a world seemingly fracturing, the slow break-up of the United Kingdom or Spain come to mind, it’s good to finally see brothers uniting rather than dividing” to which President Japarov responded, “with a big brother like Kazakhstan, the people of Kyrgyzstan feel safe their best interests will be taken care of, and are excited to finally be part of a country bigger than Uzbekistan.”

The capital of Kyrzakhstan will be the former Kazakhstan capital of Almaty, as it will be centrally located for the new nation. President Tokayev stated, “It makes sense for the capital to be closer to the old border with Kyrgyzstan so that the new country feels more inclusive.” He then added “I’ve also been getting sick of the horrible winters in Nur-Sultan and now no one will notice when we change the name back to Astana.”

Both Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan were part of the Soviet Union before getting their Independence in 1991, and before the USSR they were both part of the Russian Empire. They share many similarities including food, language, and their love of the extremely unusual sport Kok-boru, sometimes known as dead goat polo, due to the use of a headless goat instead of a ball.

Despite many similarities, food has been a stumbling block with the Kazakhstan negotiators insisting that the Kyrgyz people will need to learn to cook beshbarmak (a dish of flat noodles in a soup-like onion gravy usually topped with horse meat) much better, while the Kyrgyz insist that Kazakh lagman (hand pulled noodles with vegetables and sauce originally from Uighur cuisine) is quite average.

Referring to Kyrgyzstan’s history of revolutions overthrowing governments, first in 2005, then in 2010, then again the third revolution of 2020 which brought him to power, Kyrgyz President Japarov stated, “Kazakhstan has managed to have the same government in power since the fall of the Soviet Union, I’m looking forward to being part of that stability”.

Many details are yet to be decided such as which currency Kyrzakhstan will use, with Kyrgyzstan currently using the Som and Kazakhstan using the Tenge, with some suggesting that regardless most people will still try to hold US dollars and Euros when they can. The flag is also yet to be decided, though a couple of possible options have already been suggested.

The date of the official union of Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan is yet to be announced; however, it is assumed the official date will be announced later this year. The world will no doubt eagerly be awaiting the world’s newest country - Kyrzakhstan